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mattysong
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Name: matty
Birthday: 3/13/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: i love pork belly. deep fried. and asian snacks. like those japanese crackers that come in different shapes and colors. yeah, those. i love the outdoors. i love taking landscape and outdoor photos. who really needs another wannabe model-photographer? seriously. and i love food photography. therefore i love to eat, and i love baking. and i like chrysanthemum tea, sweetened and unsweetened.
Expertise: sarcasm
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
11/17/2003
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| my affair.we worked next to each other, talking about what to do for our clients. he asked questions about what i did to make the session better. i answered, and i felt his heart rushing for mine as he started asking things that had nothing to do with work.
we talked and talked, about everything. he laughed, i smiled. he smirked, i laughed. i combed my fingers through my hair with my left hand; my wedding band and engagement rings almost nonexistent.
he rode a cool japanese motorcycle, wore a cool bikers helmet, wore tight tee's, a cool biker's backpack, and had guns the size of my thighs; titanium, probably.
i couldnt stop staring at his face. it was as if it was made for my pleasure. i couldnt stop thinking about him.
it was the end of our session. we both felt like we were the only ones there. no one to stop us. we walked closer as we walked further; i was feeling the sleeve of his mediocre polo rubbing onto my on-sale tee. our faces grew bright as we walked slower; our pulses vibrated together; so much so, we became numb. speechless, quiet, and somber we became. knowing it would stop here. it had to stop here.
i asked him when we would see each other again... at work? most likely. he had to leave.
i ran up to him as he was walking away, casually asked where he was going. i told him i could meet him there so we could hang out, jokingly..of course. i wanted him to say yes so bad, just so i could find an excuse to bump this up a step. he gave me a look. one where you know you're doing something wrong, but can't help what you're doing. i also sensed guilt. he had a gf, maybe. probably a white gf, he's pretty capable. i mean, who wouldnt want to date him? he coyly looked away, grinned, and waved bye. i ran to my car, pulled down my top, and drove fast so i could catch up to him and his speedy-motorcycle-self.
we played tag on the way to where he was going. he'd speed up, and i'd try to get him. i'd speed up, and he'd drive up next to me and give me a thumbs up. he kept on until he pulled over and had to leave.
i just drove away.
i saw him again today. feelings were stronger. he said hello and goodbye. he looked cute today. he wore a hat. probably just drove a car today. he smiled, and grinned again. he has a dimple, two actually. i was too busy with my client to see the other side of his face. it didnt matter though.
i would've never thought a person this attractive would pay any attention to me. i would've never thought a person this attractive would notice how attentative i was to him..while doing the same back.
that didnt matter because i felt attractive for the first time in a long time. my 5'2", 121lb self felt good. my confidence felt it too.
he eats apples, bananas, granola bars, and drinks water for lunch. he knows starbucks frap's sugar and calorie content, and despises it. funny, i do too.
i hate dreams.
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| depression.so some of you may not know, but im emo. no kidding.
i feel like i want to just blame the world for everything that's happened, but i can't. i read a book to my client the other day.. it's called "diary of a worm." in it, it says that "the world gives us everything we need." i truly believe that. how can i blame the world, when all it's done is give me my life?
people can point fingers, people can whisper among themselves, people can gossip, and people can argue.. but what good does it do? i understand some people are completely full of it. and man, that crawls under my skin. how can people can be so self absorbed and ignorant...? whatever. who am i to say.
anyway, this month has had it's downs. ive never felt such hurt in a long time. it wasnt only pain from physical death, but pain from moral and righteous death. how do i know what's right? how do i know what's wrong? we're all trying so hard to live our lives in this society, that we forget who we've become. have we become animals? AGH. i dont know. i wish and want to believe that my plea is innocent. but of course, im only human.
let it be known that people sure have found my achilles heel. and along with the pain of my body, i feel a heavy weight. heavier than ive ever felt before. i could never have imagined myself in this position. ever. i feel at my weakest right now; and if someone were to tap me, i'd break.
i think i need to look at the world, and remember that it gives me what i need. everything that's going on in my life is unnecessary. it's just so hard to trudge through it.
my dearest grandma, i loved you, but not to the extent i should have. i regret not doing more, but i look forward to having you ALWAYS by my side now.
i miss you so much. so so so much.
you've left this world because it doesnt deserve to have you.
Rest in the inifinite peace that you now have... June 10, 1925-June 4, 2009.
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| can you just hold on...?i have needed to go initiate some of my bowl movement since last night, but it just wouldnt come out. so now im home, and i still cant go bc someone's taking a shower in the bathroom.. it doesnt feel very comfortable right now, but it'll just have to wait bc i have better things to worry about than releasing you. i called my mom today about something she had inquired about a few days ago.. and as we talked, she was mentioning to me about my grandma. she said that they might just move her party/celebration to my uncle's house (instead of the place they rented) bc my grandma is in such bad shape. that completely broke my heart. just almost two months ago, she went in for surgery, for possible kidney stones.. and that's when we learned she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. we all went through our own phases of depression, anger, guilt, etc. the fact that she's allll the freaking way in arkansas doesnt help us, half of us are on the other side of the country. anyway, when the doctors told my family that they're giving her 3 months; we were totally blown away.. shocked.. i felt dumbfounded. what could i do? nothing. absolutely nothing. it has been two months. my grandma was brought back home 3-4 weeks after being in the hospital, and she doesnt seem to be getting any better. so if you can count, you can see why our party in two weekends is a big deal. this whole ordeal is frightening for all of us. it was just so sudden. ive never met anyone with cancer, let alone be a blood member of their family. it's scary. anyway, the party was planned in celebration of my grandma back in december. my mom and her sibs planned this just bc they knew she was getting older.. and if anything should happen, she could leave this world and say she has seen us all. the party is still planned to be in less than two weeks.. but it's location MAY change bc (according to my mom), she cant walk. she cant do anything physical. she cant even talk well. my grandma's youngest sister just flew in from southern california to be with her. and my aunt, her youngest daughter, is flying out tonight to be with her. my mom didnt state the obvious.. but it was pretty obvious. she might not hold out long enough for us. man, my mind is going bizurks. i dont know how to feel. these past two months have given me some time to face the facts, and get a hold of myself... but im still left blank. like my bowl movement, i just need her to hold on. just for another week and a half. if she could just hold on, i think i can finally feel what i need to feel about this whole situation. i dont care what it is, i just need to find something to fill in the blanks. | | |
| spontaneous, simple, fun.this weekend, chou decided he wanted to go to oregon. i disagreed due to SO many factors. when he got home on friday around 6, we up and left for oregon! haha. we took his miata bc he wanted to cruise around in it like he was cool or something. and just, left. we went left at around 730 at night, and got to his sister's house in portland around 4 in the morning. we slept for a few hours, and then left to see his other sister and her family. my part of this trip was that if he took me to Seattle, then we could go. we planned to go on sunday. but plans changed, and we left with a few friends of his saturday afternoon just for the heck of it. we mainly wanted to go sight-see, since one of his friends' girlfriend was in town (from wisconsin). and i think seattle is a BEAUTIFUL city, with such a rich history. i love how it feels so urban. we went to all the main attractions, and just kind of hung out. some of his friends had to leave that night, so we found a hotel and stayed the night. the next day was just for shopping at the pike, and heading back to portland. got to portland, had dinner with his friend's family, and slept the night at one of his sister's house. left at 330 this morning, and got back to sacramento around noon. and now im flabbergasted. ^_^ i LOVE roadtrips!! you cant tell, but downtown seattle is in the background. hahaha. 
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| bugs. you just wanna smack 'em.i talked this weekend. and i listened. it was good to have done that with someone other than chou. and though i love him (and he- me), we cant possibly tell each other everything everyday (though we eventually do). we need other outputs. i had mine this weekend. it wasnt much, but it was enough to make me realize.. hey! i need to do this more often! anyway, it was a bunch of necessary gossip. oh yes, we all do that. a little, or a lot. we've done it! dont shy away from it! it's ok to let a little out every now and then. as long as the other person keeps their mouths shut. oh, touche. touche. so i, no wait WE (bc we're both in it t-o-g-e-t-h-e-r), expressed how we felt about our current living conditions. we had quite a few annoyances to discuss. you know, ive never had a roomate ever. i never lived outside of my parents home, so i never got to experience the "college/dorm life." and now i can ALMOST say ive experienced the annoyances of a roomate. they're not my roomates, technically...but it feels like it. anyway, dont want to discuss too much. word might leak. ^_^ actually, i discussd this one subject with more than one person. so yeah. basically, i told them how there were two different types of "dumb" guys: the ones who are too over-the-top aggressive; and the ones who are too stupid, and let their s/o walk all over them. here's what we discussed: women who walk all over their bf's/husbands. the ones who abuse them. whether it's verbal, mental, physical, etc. they ridicule them and criticize them. ALL THE TIME. they put them down in front of their friends, family, and embarrass them. they make them feel stupid and "lower" than them. they nag, nag, and NAG. they complain. they pick out all the negatives, and thrive on it. they act like they're the queen of the world, and makes sure he treats her that way. my question was: why are they SO stupid to let their gfs/wives do that?! WHY ARE YOU SO DUMB! i personally think that, yeah, we women deserve alot. but i also think that they also deserve the same respect. afterall, they're people too. just bc men have a certain stereotype (that they're all mean, stupid, and too overpowering), doesnt mean they dont deserve what we deserve. cmon, we all have feelings. we're all capable of emotion. and if he does start to take advantage of that, then you'll KNOW he ain't the one for you, mama. i heard on the radio the other morning while driving to work about a guy who is in his 15th year of marriage, with children, and doesnt know what to do anymore. his wife verbally abuses him. she always embarrasses him in front of his family. she puts him down. she calls him names in front of his kids. etc. anyway, he's not quite sure whether he should leave the marriage, or stay (for the kids). what is he to do? i mean, i REALLY dont know his situation. he could be the person initiating all of this, he could be contributing to all of his abuse, he COULD be lying for all i know. the bottom line is, how can you be so stupid to let that happen to you? ive seen this happen in front of my eyes. heck, i live with it. and i just dont know why. i asked chou why some guys allow this to happen, are aware of it, and still choose to stay in the relationship. i asked him what would keep him in the relationship (sex is out of the question, people). i dont know. i see the abuse, and it makes me cringe. in my case, not only is he stupid.. i think she's a female dog who is heartless and looks down on his family. it seems as if she thinks she's better than them bc she's got an education and supposedly has "class." bs. anyway, back to my point. from a guy's point of view: would you let it happen to you if you start to see it in your relationship? would you continue to stay? why would you stay? from a girl's point of view: is she a female dog? or is she just demanding what women really deserve? im disgusted. these people are like the bugs that fly around your face. you just wanna smack the heck out of them. | | |
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