cars. foreverandaday.

these are cars chou has been through. just this year. up until now. dont even get me started on how many he's had since he got licensed to drive. ugh.

above is the car he currently has. you can see why it was stolen. buying this car was like handing money to these darn thieves. nonetheless, he worked pretty hard on it. to only get it stolen. btw, they did find the car. the body was in good condition, but some stuff under the hood were taken. below is how it looks right now.

he vows to never leave her out of his sight again, or so he says. and to those lowlives: next time, can you just steal things in our driveway? in fact, just ring the doorbell and let us know. ill just have chou take it out for you. i'd really appreciate it. it'd save us $250 for towing, and time we dont need away from work. especially since you didnt do anything to the body. you really got me mad when you left the car the way it was.

having done this the second time around, you'd think you'd know better. i know where you live!

^_^ btw, im not mad. with all the luck we're having with cars, i feel like this is just another daily routine. a quite expensive one.

412pm.

i really couldnt think of a title for this blog for some reason, so i just put in the time. yes, very original. HA.

i think that lately ive been giving the few viewers/subscribers that i have the wrong idea. i dont hate chou. i dont want to get divorced! shame on me if i did bc it would go against everything i believe in. 

right now things just dont seem so light and carefree anymore. things have changed for the both of us, therefore making us change. we came with habits that we were both aware of.. we just need to learn how to work with it. one thing i didnt know was that i couldnt understand this guy in a matter of 3 years. i thought that if i knew him, that i'd know him already. which was slightly true.. but it sucks how i seriously have to work with it. but dang, screw me! i just need to suck it up, right?

i was on our itouch again looking through youtube. i went into the history section to find a video that i was watching before so i could finish it (instead of having to search for it again). while i was scrolling done, i saw something i dont think i should have. i wasnt mad, but just really disappointed in him. i was a little scared, too. i mean, how could he not tell me about it? how has he been keeping this from me? i didnt mean to find it, it just happened. and i know i dont watch that stuff. i was just disappointed in his honesty and trust. and i was scared... what else could he be hiding from me? what other things is he not telling me? ive tried to set an example by telling him about what i do at work, how my days are, etc. i figured it'd click in his head, but it never did. he just, for some reason, doesnt tell me things. i dont know if it's on purpose, or if it's just him being him.

i dont know. when he came home later that night, i didnt talk to him. when i was about to take shower, he followed me into the bedroom. i simply asked him, "do you need to talk to me?" he said no. then i said, "i think there's something you need to tell me." and then he got quiet. i then said, "i know what you've been doing. i cant believe you havent been honest with me." and i just walked off. after my shower, i went to tell him that what i saw. he didnt say anything and just went to sleep.

our relationship has been really "carefree" from the start. he does his own thing, and i do mine. we dont question the other person, and we respect the other person's space. weird? nope, i dont think so. i like to think of our relationship not only as intimate, but also on a "bestfriend" level. you know, treat him like a person, not a guy. i dont mind when he does his things (like the occasional beers w/his bros, playing cards, etc.) and he doesnt mind it when i do my things (i really dont do much, honestly. i dont even go shopping). i think that because of that, we've let ourselves go too much. we brought that into our marriage, and i think that maybe it's rocking the boat a bit because he hasnt been putting much into the relationship as a married couple. ive explained to him that things have to be different now that we're different. the way we think, what we do, where we go.. it can be the same, but we need to have our boundaries. we're not single anymore.

i tried really hard to forgive him for this. he hasnt really apologized.. but im trying SO hard to interally forgive him, just so i, myself, can move on. i could care less what he does.. i just cant be relying on his honesty anymore. sounds really horrible, but i cant live my life for someone who doesnt think twice about the choices he's made. especially for someone who cant consider my feelings next to his (see how im not even trying to be first in his life?)

it'll take me a while, but ill try to forgive him. i need to move on. i cant let this break our relationship, it would be stupid.

lately, i havent been wearing my wedding rings. my knuckle on that finger started to swell up really bad, and started to get really itchy. i decided take it off, and OMG it hurt so bad to take it off. once i had it off, i didnt dare put it back on. i was afraid i wouldnt be able to take it back off again. i then developed these caluses around the knuckles, which made it even more itchy. it's been about two month since ive worn the wedding rings. if i did wear them, i'd only wear the wedding band to an important event or to church. ive been trying to let it heal before i could wear it again. it's been healing, but the process has been slow. i dont know when ill be able to wear the rings the way i used to, but i do hope that it'll heal soon. maybe i can resize it. it'll cost a few dollars, but at least i can wear it again, right?

T_T

so these past two nights, i have been dreaming about dead people and funerals. they were so vivid.. have you ever had those dreams that just stuck out? well yeah. this morning, i work an hour later than i usually would, so i tried to sleep in. of course i couldnt, so i got up and got ready to go to work. when i finished, i went to check my phone. i still had time left because i worked a lot later.. i realized that i got a vm and txt from chou and my sister. chou's txt said that he was at the dmv this morning, and would have to be late to work bc he was trying to pay for his tags and stuff.. and like, because it's furlough friday tomorrow, there were a ton of people there.

then i checked my sister's vm. her car had broken down. yes, the one we just bought recently bc of all the mishaps we'd had. but i knew it was coming bc she had mentioned to me a few days ago that something sounded weird in her car.. anyway, she called and couldnt go to work this morning. i called chou and told him what happened. luckily he was still at the dmv and not on his way to work.. otherwise i would've been screwed. so i had him call my sister to find out the problem. he told me he was coming home to grab some tools, then he'd head out to work.

after that, bc i still had a lot of time left, i called my mom. my parents and sibs were driving to wisconsin to visit my dad's sister, and then to minnesota to pick up an atv at my mom's sister's place.. so i wanted to see where they were at. i then told her that i was recently dreaming about dead people. she then said, "oh dont worry. that just means it's going to rain." (it's actually supposed to rain next week, despite the great weather we've been having). so then i told her i was worried bc my sister's car was dead.

as i walked to the other living to see whether or not chou was home, i saw a cop car with his lights on parked halfway up my drive way. then i saw chou's car in the driveway, then i saw the cop talking to chou. ........ he pulled chou over for not stopping all the way at the stop sign, for an expired plate, and something else. that's what you get for driving an asian racer car!

as i was talking to my mom, i started to cry. i told her was worried.. that i'd been worrying about money and everything.. amanda's car, chou and the cops (to pay another fine..? ugh), and then there's me. last time something bad happened to the cars, it happened in that order. i was afraid that mine would be next. wait.. but mine is newer? that's right. they havent even sent us the bill for the car yet... meaning it hasnt even been officially approved! i told my mom that i was scared that they'd "take my car away." i told her if they did, i wouldnt have any money to get another. frankly, i was scared that the whole situation would be happening again. 

so when i saw the cops, i couldnt help but cry. i told her the cops were getting chou for something. and i just couldnt hold it in. i really have no money, and ive been depressed like hell (excuse my language). seeing that just did it.

but of course my mom told me she would search every corner of the house to help us out if need be. and i know if it came down to that, she would. but i told her we could do it. i mean, we've done it already.. right? yup. she then told me to pray.

i drove to work early so i decided to just sit in my car and pray. i havent prayed in a while.

i finished praying, and went to work.

right after i got off, i got a voicemail. it was "dave" at the whole sale car dealership we got our car from. right when i heard that, i was scared. i was like, "oh no. this is the call. this is the call telling us to bring the car back." but of course i continued to listen to the message. and the message was only to tell us that he needed more paperwork from us. *phew*

when i got home, i called chou to see whether or not i'd need to take my sister to work and if HE was going to work. he said my sister's car was running again, and that the cop let him off.

^_^ He is looking out for us. thank You.

bring on the rain.

old contacts.

i have montly disposable contacts. i have two pairs of Circle Lens (asian contacts that make your eyes look bigger) that i wear every other week or so. i wear my regular contacts. these monthly disposable contacts that i have are the last pair. they've been the last pair since 1 year ago. i havent had money to get a new prescription nor do i have the money to get a few new pairs. if my eyesight didnt get so bad over the year, i would've just ordered them online.. but because i cant see past 6 or 7 feet in front of me clearly (with my contacts), im waiting until i can save money to go get a new prescription and another year's worth of contacts. my prescription is currently -.5, but i know it's worse than that.

my husband just bought an air compressor. im not sure how much they run, but im pretty sure it wasnt cheap. he also bought something else in the garage.. im not sure what it is, but im pretty sure it's for his car.

considering the financial crisis that we're in, im not too pleased. he knew i wasnt. but it's typical of him. he buys a lot of stuff i dont know about. like his craigslist addiction. on our ipod, ive put my email account on it. so when someone receives an email, we get a notification. because we put our addresses and their passwords on there to automatically receive it, we can check the other person's emails. chou and i have nothing to hide from each other (or so i thought).. but when i check my email, i have to close out of his. lately, ive been seeing a lot of inquiries on craigslist about him trading his car, selling things, and buying things. i knew he had a this habit from the start, but i was stupid enough to assume he'd smarten himself up a little after we got married.

it's not that i dont approve of it, but like ive told him countless times... i only need him to tell me what's going on. like, tell me what's he's selling, where he's going, who he's dealing with, etc. i mean, what if he never came home? they DO have craigslist murderers out there. but im more concerned about our money. sorry to sound so self-centered, but that's what im most worried about.

when people ask me how everything is (money-wise), all i can say is, "we're doing it somehow." because it's true, in some way, we're doing it. after everything that's happened, i cant even think about what i did to get here.. like, all the things ive sacrificed so we could pay our bills on time. i dont nag at him much bc i know he's entitled to his wants and needs, but man. aaack.

so when i saw the air compressor in the garage, i just ignored it. i think he's so used to doing stuff like this that he thinks nothing of it. it bothered me even more when he asked me for $40 bucks to go buy some supplies to fix my sister's car yesterday. i didnt mind giving it to him, but it made me think... if you didnt buy that compressor, you could've had money to pay for it yourself.

and then i started to think, "oh god. does he need money for gas? does he need money to pay for this and that bill?" why? because after he took $40, all i had left was $80 to last the both of US until HIS next paycheck.. which is in a week. and because he works so far, he has to put in gas 2 times aweek. i need gas money too, gosh dangit.

and im sure you're all going, "you're married, your money is shared." and that's right. my mom even got mad at me because i told her that we have our own separate banking accounts. for my parents, it was odd. it's not for people these days to have their own bank accounts (married couples). shoot, i still have my last name. im not changing it for anything. but yeah, we do use each other's money. we rely on the other person's money to get through our bills. it just becomes a problem when he uses his money for things that we really dont need, and i cant say anything about it because it's "his" money.

am i being too lenient? i thought that if there was control, we'd be able to make it. but i dont know how much longer i can do this. we argue about this problem all them time. he keeps telling me he'll let me in on these things.. but from what im seeing, he's not really doing it. selling his car is a big deal to me! he knows it too. we've discussed this before.

anyway, im saying all of this because i went shopping with my sister on friday and i couldnt get anything. i have not gone shopping since april or may.. that was the last time i remember shopping. my sister says my clothes are "outdated." i just give her a smart reply. im the one in the family who likes to joke around, so anything i say they wont take seriously. which kind of sucks sometimes because ill actually be telling the truth. but anyway, yeah. i went shopping with my sister.. and my sister kept asking me, "did you see anything you liked?" im still a girl, so how could i not? but i kept replying, "no. nothing looks good." we kept doing that at each shop we went in. and as much as i wanted something, i told myself, "man. $30 can buy me and chou dinner." and BOY did i want things. but i think ive done this so often for these past few months that it was easier for me to look at it, and put it down, than before. i think what was different this time was the fact that i realized that i would be doing this for a loooong time if something different didnt happen.

im not materialistic.. i'd rather be using money to travel. but sometimes, i just really want to buy me some decent clothes, ya know? i havent been able to do that, and it just drove me really nuts when i went with my sister.

if i cant buy my contacts, there is no way i have room to buy me some clothes.

i came home, looked at the air compressor, and went to cook dinner.

anyway, happy belated birthday to my only brother oops. i meant my little brother. 15 is an ugly year for boys like you.

status? still sick.

i dont know if it was the sudden change of weather, but i DID get better after i wrote that blog. and then the next day, the weather dropped down by 10 or so degrees and became really breezy... bc of that, i got sick again. i actually had to call in sick on tuesday bc i just couldnt do it. and im still sick. so much for looking forward to a weekend of NOT being sick.

so yeah.

last night, chou told me he was going fishing with his brothers again. and honestly, i dont mind. i enjoy fishing too. i think that lately, i just havent been myself.. so these past few weeks while he went fishing, i felt bitter bc he wouldnt spend time with me. we dont see each other at home often bc of his work schedule. so yeah. anyway. he told me he was going fishing. i didnt say anything. so he went to fetch his own dinner bc i didnt feel like making dinner and bc there were leftovers in the fridge. when he came back, i asked him if he could NOT go. and knowing that i havent talked to him like this since last month, he just kind of looked at me. and then he said why.

i asked him to stay home with me. my intention was to try to spend more time with just me and him so i can try to heal whatever's been hurting me. he continued to eat, and then i felt bad. although he has spent the past few weekends fishing with his brothers and fixing his car while i was at home being sick and cleaning bc i had nowhere to go bc i had no money (yeah, that was sooooo not gramatically correct), i still felt bad. i didnt want to restrict him from the things that kept him happy. even if it was fishing with his brothers for a few hours. he then said, "if you dont want me to go, just say so."

as much as i wanted to say so, i just couldnt. i would have felt so bad. you know, like those REALLY REALLY over-the-top controlling wives.. so when he kept persisting me to say so, i didnt. i just said, "you can go."

i went off to take a shower and went to bed. while i was trying to sleep, i was hoping that what i had said to him (with the fact that i even spoke to him) would spark out the hint that yes, i truly didnt want him to go. not bc i didnt want him to go, but bc i wanted to spend some time with him. of course, i couldnt tell him directly. i KNOW for a fact he knew i didnt want him to go... he was so persistant in me telling him myself. but we both knew i couldnt do it. he knew i couldnt say no to his funtime. i dont want to say he was trying to take advantage of me.. but i dont know.

anyway. as low as i am feeling about our relationship, i still had a little hope. one that let me know that just MAYBE he was smart enough to realize something was wrong.

i woke up to a text around 7 this morning and realized he was gone.

tell me what im doing wrong. just slap it across my face already.