i drank lots of tree bark for this life.

well to start off, my mom's visiting for two weeks. my brother and his gf bought her a ticket to come for his graduation next week, so she'll be here in FIVE days. im extremely EXCITED. ive never spent a christmas away from my parents.. or family. this will be my first imcomplete christmas, since ill only be able to see her. my dad was orginally supposed to come, but he's got some stuff to do with his chicken houses.. my sister says he could come if he wanted to.. bc his chickens are out.. but this job is one of those 24/7 jobs. so yeah. i dont sound excited on here, but i really am. im counting down the days like there's no tomorrow. i really miss her! this year has got to be one of the toughest years for myself and my family.. so i just want to give her a great big hug.

i think this christmas, unlike all the christmas' ive had, is one where i have nothing to ask for. chou's been asking me what i want (i wish he would just know, ya know? haha) and i cant seem to think of anything. sure, i'd like another supply of my foundation bc im freaking scraping it to it's last few bits. i'd also like for my cracked windshield to be replaced. i'd also REALLY like to get some new circle lens. but when it comes down to letting him know what i'd like for him to get me, nothing comes out. i find myself saying, "eh. i dont care. you could clean the house for me." i dont know if it's because i know we both are penniless this holiday season, or if it's because ive just grown out of wanting "things" when i could just save up myself and get it later on. one thing's for sure, i was slapped with a spiritual AND economical wake up call this year. weird combo, right? i think the two go well together. when i feel good about my spirit, i think i learn to want (and even NEED) less.

ive learned that life can just slip right out of your hands, unexpectedly and quite quickly. ive also learned that when a brick hits you in the face, there's no need to search for the person who threw it bc you're now faced with dealing with the pain and trying to heal it. i shouldn't take my time to find the doer, instead dedicate my time to taking care of myself. ive also learned that after they've tried to murder me, they'll also take everything i have with them.. including my time and emotion. when it happens, i still shouldnt worry about them, but more about myself... about how i can pick these things back up and continue. through all of this, ive learned to want less.

i cant seem to "want" anymore. funny, but also pretty serious. i sometimes find myself not wanting something, but then thinking.. "i kind of NEED to have a want so i can continue with my life."

ugh, i dont know where im going with this. i guess all im saying is this christmas, i want nothing. i have my health, i have my life, and i have my faith in God. what else could a person want? and im serious, this is above all things.. like your hdtv's, phones, games, makeup, clothing, shoes, cars, etc. none of that matters to me at all..

enough of me trying to be cool. i do have a secret "want" right now..

i want beast to perform this year at the korean music festival in LA this up coming year!!!!!! i know it's a lot to ask, but hey.. one can dream! if they do perform, i am charging it to my card and will DEFINITELY be going!!!!!!

my beastly junhyung. ^_^ he's the one wearing the checkered jacket in the mv. he does this really sexy thing with his eyebrow when he raps (like in this picture!!!!!! hahaha)  i LOVE it. im infatuated with him.

and this is my favorite guy in the group (cant choose between the two.. they'll be mad if they find out i like 'em both! HAHAHA)

cute yoseob. he's so friendly and sooooo super cute. ^_^

anyway....five more days, then i see my momma! ^_^

sort of an accomplishment.

i had a blog i wrote about a year ago of the things i wanted for christmas.. i'll repost this list, and cross off what ive received from then up until now. i wont concentrate on the things i DIDN'T get.

money.
clothing. (i love sweaters and shoes!)
have all credit card bills paid.
someone to fix my windshield. for free.
more shoes.
more money for my nikon.
diana f+. but i guess a holga will do.
contacts. yes. im on my second to last pair.
a small hd tv for mine and chou's room. ^_^
a new car? sure, why not.
money so i can go print my wedding photos.
someone to dry clean my wedding dress. haha.
a bigger bedroom for myself and chou.
someone to get chou's "ok" for a rad tattoo. HAHA.
and more money.
a weekend trip to somewhere. anywhere.
tickets to go on another cruise.
d700. PLEASE.
jamba juice gift cards. ^_^
tickets to see my family.
my own desktop computer.
an external hardrive to store all my photos. and not some dinky little 30 gig harddrive either.
definitely more money.
an iPod Touch. but i guess a green nano will do.
a point and shoot camera. i dont want to be taking my slr EVERYWHERE.
a big fat fitted pea coat. black or white.
more fitted black, brown, and red leather jackets. i guess faux leather will do.
mas mula, por favor.
a spa day for myself and chou.
someone to do all of my homework next semester!!

ok so that wasnt a lot, but the main ones were done. i got to see my family/parents not once, but THREE times from then up until now.. AND my mom's coming to town in a few weeks. ^_^ i did get new car, although i really didnt expect it.. it wasnt a choice, but i got one. who would've thunk it. haha. i got chou an iTouch last christmas, so that counts. chou and i went out during weekends, when he had money. haha. i definitely got money, it wasnt easy.. but i got it! chou's workplace rewards chou w/$5 gift gards to jamba juice frequently, and he often passes it on to me.. im the jamba juice queen! i loooove it. i spent some mula on a faux red leather jacket, and i have NOT regreted it.. i wear it as often as i can. in fact, my wardrobe revolves around it! ok, jk. haha. hmm what else, oh yes. although i didnt expect this to happen, chou and i DID get a bigger bedroom. when the roommates moved out, well.. we moved in to the master! we have sooo much room! it's crazyily empty. and we're never in there.. unless we're sleeping or showering. but we did it!

this thanksgiving, i am thankful for the things ive received and what i have. as much as i want many other things, my life can go on w/o it because frankly there are others who are in a worse situation. ive experienced so many challenges this year that even having ramen noodles for dinner, every night, makes me happy. ive never been so content w/the things i have. i went on for two weeks w/o tv, and a month w/o internet.. and i was fine with it! it was quiet, somber, but so fresh. i am thankful for those hard times. it's made me a better person.

and of course, im thankful for my family's support. they have been the spine on my back. w/o them, i would cower over like there was no tomorrow.

gosh, there are so many things im so thankful for this year that my blog is going all over the place.

i dont think ive ever been this thankful before, never in my life.

two for the show.

aside from being so emo, i did a look for halloween. i tried to enter this small contest, all for fun.. i knew i wouldnt win. but it was fun bc i havent played with makeup for a while now. my look was twiggy. here were my sisters' entries:

mermaid


doll/puppet


and here is my other sister..
another doll.


dead ugly girl. haha.



should i show my twiggy one? nah. it was really bad. hahaha. i did it really last minute, and barely got my entry in. but my profile picture is a bit of it. ^_^ people say we all look alike. what's worse is when we talk, that's when you cant tell who's who. haha.

btw, my mermaid sister won the contest. some girl tried to put her down so she could win. too bad for her, her looks werent good enough!

MUG SHOT! who's who? which one is me? am i even in the picture? ^_^ the shortest in this pic is actually the tallest, and the youngest. dont you hate that?

oasis.

press play. over and over again because they are my newest guilty (and free) pleasure. ^_^

i guess ill update you.

since i dont have school this semester, ive felt less of a need to use the computer. ive been on our itouch more, just to tweet, watch youtube, and check my email. so i havent really blogged because of that. also because LIFE HAPPENS. if im not online, im at work, watching tv, or cooking.

i think ive been pretty depressed lately. even more so. im usually more of an upbeat person, but ive noticed that i havent been myself since i found out my grandma got sick. when she passed, it took even more of an emotional toll on me. it was just so sudden, you know? and she was so far. i had no money. the past is the past.

and then people revealed to me who they really were, and it wasnt to my liking. they put as much of an emotional toll on me as my grandma's death did. well, if not the same, more. i felt i was drained physically because i had to give up so much so i could afford to live under a roof, eat, and have clothes on my back. i know that this was a part of my life, but it hurts so much. to know someone who was born under the same set of parents as i act on his partner's system, and not in his familial defense turns me off. it's so wrong, on all ends. he chose his path, so now i practically dont know him anymore. then again, all my life he was never there. five years difference makes a big difference. just sucks how he doesnt know what we knew. his loss, really. but his idiot gf seems to enjoy the separation.

anyway. so all summer i escaped from their havoc as much as i could, until they moved out suddenly. of course, my mom gave me the heads up one month before, but they didnt tell me until the week they packed and left. shady much.

so i was left with the mortgage, and everything else.. not that it was a burden, bc i had already been paying for everything in the house already. the only part they took was $1200 of the mortgage. chou and i took care of the rest of that mortgage, tax bills, gas and electric bills, phone bills, and the little necessities around the house. not to mention all the cleaning i happily indulged in every weekend to clean up everyone's mess. all we had to do was figure out who to make an extra $1200/month... which we both couldnt do. we were already broke.

i couldnt get any more hours at work bc of the so many excused/unexcused days i had off for my grandma's funeral. i didnt get that priority, so i was stuck. i knew my parents had to help me out, and this was the first time ive ever asked my parents for this kind of money. i felt so ashamed and irresponsible. i felt that i would only ask for money when i was living in a cardboard box. my mom tried to lighten the mood by saying that it was still their house, and that they still had their part in it.

and then shortly after the roommates moved out, we got yet another bad strike of luck. all of our cars (mine, chou's and my sister's) had somehow found their way around to fatally leaving us. man. i swear, the month of september was a horrible month. i think my mom lent us around $5500 for EVERYTHING. chou, my sister, and i were all negative in our accounts. there was no other way, trust me. i would have done everything in my power to avoid my parent's help, but they were our last and only option. ugh. i still feel so... bleh. im not one to ask people for money, and to ask for my parents help shot down my pride. which i know i need to let down a little more.

the month of october was lonely. we didnt do anything, go anywhere, or enjoy ourselves. i even went through a whole relationship crisis. i still am, actually. but gosh. it was horrible. we ate everything in our fridge, and bought only what we needed. veggies, milk, eggs, bread, rice.. we had lots of meat in the freezer, so we were ok there. i actually cook at home often, so we were ok. im not one to eat out a lot. i like to cook at home bc i like to know what goes in my food.

now here we are in november, actually, we're halfway through november. just a week away from thanksgiving, and a month and a half away from christmas. which im quite worried about. what can i afford this christmas? nothing much. ive never been so broke before. im currently negative in my account. im hoping to save about $100, and use that as my christmas money.. it's supposed to be split among chou and my family. i think i can do it, i just need to be a little more positive and be confident in myself.

so yeah. that's what ive been up to. being none other than an emo maitia. ive kept to myself a lot lately because of this. i dont really have a social network to fall back on. my family is so far away. and chou can be soooo clueless. egh.

i think the only thing that keeps me going is my faith and hope in God. knowing that He only gives me what He knows i can handle, and that i will be delivered after all of this. this is obviously not yet over, but i know that after this, i'll feel invincible.

after our car incident, my sister and i had a good conversation that lasted a whole night. we just kep talking about everything that's happened to us, and how we can handle it now if it were given to us again. because frankly, not many 23 year olds get to go through this. this whole ordeal was a strike of oppertunities to be better people. and i can honestly say that i have become a better person because of this. i need and want less, and am content with what i have. i think of all the people in the world who dont even get to eat food, and feel blessed that i have leftovers to eat.

ive also become less self-concious about myself. it doesnt matter what i look like, but it's what i do and how i deliver myself. if i do good, im good. a lot of people who i am acquaintances with are that because they think im intimidating. people think im mean or really overly confident. but im not. but i could care less (now) because i know what good i do to people. i say thank you when someone gives me the menu, i say please when i pay for a bottle of water, i let pedestrians walk when they're supposed to. who does that anymore? i smile at strangers when i catch them eyeing me, and i say hi when we meet face to face. i let people walk in first. i accept criticsm. i gently touch a person's shoulder/arm when we're having a deep conversation. i sit with someone sitting by themself, even if we arent saying anything.

i have to say that ive learned so much these past few months, and have matured so much. excuse my big head, but i think ive got some say in how good i am.

i will rest when God presents the oppertunity. until then, my faith will keep me going. my faith in humanity. my faith in love. my faith in society. my faith in God.

cars. foreverandaday.

these are cars chou has been through. just this year. up until now. dont even get me started on how many he's had since he got licensed to drive. ugh.

above is the car he currently has. you can see why it was stolen. buying this car was like handing money to these darn thieves. nonetheless, he worked pretty hard on it. to only get it stolen. btw, they did find the car. the body was in good condition, but some stuff under the hood were taken. below is how it looks right now.

he vows to never leave her out of his sight again, or so he says. and to those lowlives: next time, can you just steal things in our driveway? in fact, just ring the doorbell and let us know. ill just have chou take it out for you. i'd really appreciate it. it'd save us $250 for towing, and time we dont need away from work. especially since you didnt do anything to the body. you really got me mad when you left the car the way it was.

having done this the second time around, you'd think you'd know better. i know where you live!

^_^ btw, im not mad. with all the luck we're having with cars, i feel like this is just another daily routine. a quite expensive one.