i have needed to go initiate some of my bowl movement since last night, but it just wouldnt come out. so now im home, and i still cant go bc someone's taking a shower in the bathroom.. it doesnt feel very comfortable right now, but it'll just have to wait bc i have better things to worry about than releasing you.

i called my mom today about something she had inquired about a few days ago.. and as we talked, she was mentioning to me about my grandma. she said that they might just move her party/celebration to my uncle's house (instead of the place they rented) bc my grandma is in such bad shape.

that completely broke my heart. just almost two months ago, she went in for surgery, for possible kidney stones.. and that's when we learned she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. we all went through our own phases of depression, anger, guilt, etc. the fact that she's allll the freaking way in arkansas doesnt help us, half of us are on the other side of the country. anyway, when the doctors told my family that they're giving her 3 months; we were totally blown away.. shocked.. i felt dumbfounded. what could i do? nothing. absolutely nothing.

it has been two months. my grandma was brought back home 3-4 weeks after being in the hospital, and she doesnt seem to be getting any better. so if you can count, you can see why our party in two weekends is a big deal.

this whole ordeal is frightening for all of us. it was just so sudden. ive never met anyone with cancer, let alone be a blood member of their family. it's scary.

anyway, the party was planned in celebration of my grandma back in december. my mom and her sibs planned this just bc they knew she was getting older.. and if anything should happen, she could leave this world and say she has seen us all.

the party is still planned to be in less than two weeks.. but it's location MAY change bc (according to my mom), she cant walk. she cant do anything physical. she cant even talk well. my grandma's youngest sister just flew in from southern california to be with her. and my aunt, her youngest daughter, is flying out tonight to be with her. my mom didnt state the obvious.. but it was pretty obvious. she might not hold out long enough for us.

man, my mind is going bizurks. i dont know how to feel. these past two months have given me some time to face the facts, and get a hold of myself... but im still left blank.

like my bowl movement, i just need her to hold on. just for another week and a half. if she could just hold on, i think i can finally feel what i need to feel about this whole situation. i dont care what it is, i just need to find something to fill in the blanks.